Diary

I am starting this website from scratch. I have never genuinely coded beyond a few past starts and quick stops. This website will not be pretty, it will be a maze, there will be dead ends and run ons a plenty. or simply dead ends. Everyone wants somewhere to tell their stories into the abyss, we're all straining for connection via something that cannot hold it.
C.Q.
C.Q.
We're all grasping for one thing or another, looking for something to fill that hole, when you really have to turn that focus inwards. But! Isn't that always the trap.
How do you know when you are really figuring things out about yourself and growing. You don't know if the machine is running smooth till it's moving. You can't asess the real working properties until you've gone through the actions without clarity. You will never go in knowing what will happen coming out, and you don't even have the guarentee of clarity after the fact. You just have to take your time, pick yourself up, learn from it, and throw yourself back at it.

The idea of anyone seeing an imperfect and uncompleted object I've made and realeased into the world horrifies and thrills me. I've always put so much worth into the evaluation of others. it's only natural. But it doesn't make it any fun, to make oneself into the black sheep. We all do it though, convincing ourselves that we must be more alienated than every other person, they must allllll secretly have some kind of connection together that we lack. But regardless, I find that when I see someone elses unfinished little piece of themself, that I find beauty in it. There is magic in finding a piece of their unguarded self for you to find.

I really hope that this can be a gathering place for the things I love and the stories I collect. I'm in love with this life I lead, and the beauty I find within it. There are so many small beautiful moments that one experiences every day. And so many of us pass them by and forget them with time. These little fragments add up over time, into something overwhelming, a proof of the sap of life.

7/2
I may be building this little bit by little bit, but it is rewarding to learn how the little pieces fit together. Looking at coding as one whole object makes it overwhelming. You don't climb the mountain in a day though. Working at something, looking through others code, getting all the pieces to come together. It's a wonderful moment. I mean, I still have to figure out how to get so many little details, but I'm working at it.
I'm a little disorganized in my thoughts today, and I'm certainly disorganized in how I'm going about all this too. The heatwave has been getting to me, I really just cannot stand the heat.